Reframing Young Parenthood

Sam was 22 when she had twins Georgia and Cody, who are now 7. Sam and her partner Nathan also have Logan who is 5 and Hannah who is 6 months old. They all live together with their hamster. With 4 children, Sam keeps to routines and makes lots of time for fun together. They especially enjoy going to majorettes and doing art. Sam gets lots of support from her mum.

What do you love about your mum?

Georgina: I like when she be’s kind to us Cody: She always does Georgina: She’s the best mummy in the whole world Cody: She’s caring and helpful and kind Sam: You’re gonna make me cry [laughs] Logan: I like when you are making dinner! [all laugh]

Becoming a young mum

Sam: “I’d just turned 22 when the twins were born. They were born ten weeks early so it was a bit of a shock. And I became a single parent, I were on my own. I had a really good routine with them and I were working like forty hours a week as well to bring them up. And then I met Logan’s dad and Logan appeared! And then Hannah appeared. I had a better routine with them because obviously the set routine with the twins. It was a shock cause it was, it were their dad that wanted children and I was ready for children but obviously with all the hours that I do at work and I was like, ‘how, how am I gonna do this?’ But I managed to sort it out and work it around my children. But yeah I was a bit scared especially when I found out it was twins. But I planned ahead. So I was like oh if I do one feed at like five o’clock and then the next feed for the other baby can be half past five’”

Being a ‘young’ mum

Sam: I loved being a young mum. To be honest half a’ the time I think I’m forgetting that I’m the mother and not the sibling! Cause I’m a bit like these are, very open and energetic and we like to wind each other up… they think it’s fun Linzi: Do you feel like your mum’s a young mum? Cody: No. Georgina: Not that much. Sam: Yous are cheeky! Cody: She’s only 29. Sam: [laughs] Don’t tell people my age!

Family time

Sam: “We like to do a lot of fun at home. So we do a lot of artistic things and I plan that like straight after school. Or we go to clubs. We do dancing and stuff like that and then sometimes if we’ve got clubs I pre-make food whilst they’re at school. So I’ll do the meals in like the lunchboxes and we take them with us. And as soon as we get home they can have a bath, a shower and then bed [laughs]. if it’s like a Friday, Saturday we like to have movie nights as family. And obviously this weekend it’s been football nights so we watch football cause that were on a bit early. If it’s no school we like to go out and do stuff through t’day so there’s still that busyness through the day. So they know that when we get home they’ve then set times. So it’s tea, bath, bed or tea, bath and then relaxing to watch like family films and then bed. And I’ve always done that from the twins being born and they always had a set bedtime”.

Playing together

Cody: Sam: We go on spooky walks Georgina: We scare each other! We scare each other. Well Cody scares me anyway. You always say that they’re skin walkers. And I say, ‘no there isn’t, I’m not looking’! Georgina: We get the bus to school. We play eye spy Logan: We play this and that! Cody: It’s like chocolate or popcorn Sam: And it’s helped Logan make his words a bit more clear, ‘cause he’s with speech therapy

Reflecting

Sam: “I like to take the pictures to show what adventures and memories we’ve made. Although it’s very rare that I’m actually on the photos myself. It’s made me realise that I am a lot more independent than what I thought. I thought that when I found out about having the twins and becoming a single parent that I’d need a lot more help than what I actually did. So I am very independent and very proud as well. Like I don’t really like to get people involved. If I need help I struggle to ask for help but my mum’s like, ‘you need to ask for help sometimes’ [laughs]. So yeah it’s, it’s made me realise how strong I am as a person myself becoming a mum because I didn’t think I’d be able to do it”.

Mental health and wellbeing support in school

Miss Pickard – There are 2 main challenges. Poverty is a huge issue for families at the minute and coupled with the lack of mental health support. Families who’ve got concerns about their children can be on waiting lists for two years. They don’t always know the right places to turn to so we have to provide a lot of guidance. We’ve got a team in school who support children and families. We have a full-time emotional wellbeing practitioner, a trained counsellor, who offers support one-to-one with children with social and emotional needs. So it might be children who have got social worker involvement or it might be children who are looked after by their local authority or they’ve got another kind of anxiety need or mental health need that she supports and guides them through that, through her sessions. And we’re looking to expand that even further next year. We’re responding to need. We’re trying to be proactive and support children as quickly as we can because we know the impact emotional wellbeing has on their ability to be able to sit in a classroom and get on with the learning. And that will inevitably turn out in behaviour and unwanted behaviours which can be unsafe or stop other children from learning. And we don’t want that to happen, we want the children to get the best experience that they can have. And meeting the need, helping them so they’re regulated, they’re fed, they’re ready, they can be in a classroom successfully which benefits them and everybody else as well.

A holistic community based approach to supporting families

Miss Pickard – “The positive relationships are key to being able to understand what’s going on for the families, and make sure that we can support in any way that we can to ensure that they’ve got everything they need so that when their children do come into school, they are ready to learn and that they have been fed and that they have got a bed to sleep in and all of those things. One of the things we pride ourselves on is that we change what we’re doing to meet our community. We don’t expect them to fit in with anyone else’s social norms or expectations of school. So if things are not working for our children, if that’s around curriculum or teaching and learning or around the behaviour policy and it’s not working for our community then it’s our role to look at what does work. We don’t have a one sized all approach. We don’t implement policies that have worked in other schools. We do our research and do things really thoroughly and carefully so that we’re supporting our families. It’s the same with our employees because we have employees who a have lived on the estate for a long time and have worked here for a long time and they are all part of the community as well. And that includes different roles around school so that they bring that community spirit in as well”.

A welcoming community school

Miss Fish – “My role is predominantly safeguarding. With all the will in the world you can build lots of great relationships but it’s keeping those relationships. And I think us being a face out on the playground every day is a real positive because a lot of the parents, they’ll come and they’ll say, ‘oh I’ve had a right morning this morning’, you know. And it is building those relationships. It can be a little bit tricky sometimes but actually I think we can and do build really positive relationships with families. Sometimes we have to challenge them and it’s not always embraced positively. However, they will then at some point further down the line understand why those challenges were implemented and actually those are the things that we also have to do as well. But the positive relationships that we have are usually maintained because we’re welcoming of the whole community. Because it is a community school. You know, you can feel that outside. You know, there are lots of community-based things around us as well which we have real strong links so we have links with HAVA and we have links with HOPS and things like that. So it’s those kinda things that my role also kind of explores as well’.

Hawksworth Wood Primary School

Miss Pickard: “We serve a community of the local area and a little bit beyond. We’ve got a fabulous diverse community here. We’ve got a lot of children who live really close to school whose families have lived on the estate for generations. And then we’ve got lots of newcomers as well, sometimes from overseas, or from other parts of the city or, across the country. The first priority for us is to make sure the children are ready to learn so that whatever’s gone on in their home lives the children come to school, they’re fed, they’re watered, they’re loved and they’re ready for learning in whichever way they can be. So that might mean a range of intervention and support in terms of social and emotional wellbeing or kind of more formal parental support but we’re there to support the families in whichever way we can do. And that’s part of Miss Fish’s role as well in terms of looking after families, being a shoulder to cry on. Being the person who’ll sit and listen when they’ve had a tricky morning and putting the right support in place or directing them as to where they might get that support.”

Becoming a young mum

“It was shocking. I didn’t tell my mum. My mum didn’t find out till I were 27 weeks. I don’t actually know how I hid it. But I think I were just worried about what, what she would want me to do and stuff like that. I think I were just scared. And then my grandpa asked and mentioned it to my mum and then my mum was like, ‘Is this happening?’ But yeah, it were just scary. And then we lived at my mum’s for like a year and then we went to a carehome. We weren’t there for too long just until I turned 16, so I could have my own place. But I went through like assessments there obviously to make sure that I was able to live on my own and stuff like that. But the people were so lovely, and after we left there, we stayed in contact with the family that we lived with” .

Stigma of young motherhood

“I think I have really bad anxiety and stuff so going out and stuff like that, just like anywhere, even just little things, shopping and stuff like that, is quite hard, cause especially if I take the kids. Cause I think you can definitely get judged a lot, cause I think you can tell when I’m out with even Issac but especially with Harry, and he’s like, ‘Mum’ and like people are like, mum? So yeah, I think it has affected me in a way of like my confidence, and I think I’ve been quite anxious and stuff like that, but I think having the kids has probably also made my anxiety a bit easier cause I have to do things. Like I’ve got no choice but to go out, so. But I do enjoy it and I wouldn’t change it. In terms of like say health visitors and all that kind of stuff, I think that a lot of them can be quite, they judge a book by its cover, just knowing obviously that you’re young and stuff, and I think that they shouldn’t do that, cause I think know mums that are double my age and that I personally think could be doing better, do you know what I mean. So I just think I’ve had experiences where they’ve been quite rude and very obviously judgy from the start, and then I think they realise that actually they don’t need to be. So I’d say yeah, don’t judge straight away, until you know the situation and stuff, don’t judge them.”

Tony became a father aged 21. He was a lone father to Aaron, aged 13 and Alfie aged 12. Katie became a mother aged 21 and was a lone mother to Ella, aged 7. Tony and Katie have been in a relationship for 5 years and now they live together with Aaron, Alfie and Ella, and have another baby on the way. They also have a pet dog.

How would you describe your parents?

Alfie: My dad is amazing. Very thoughtful, very kind, and just the best. Aaron: He’s sometimes angry, sometimes sad, sometimes happy Ella: My mum is kind, nice and helpful. I love everything. Alfie: Kindness… An amazing family.

Being a young father, doing things differently

Tony: “It’s been good being a young dad. I’ve enjoyed it. It has been stressful, I’m not gonna lie. It has been a learning curve. So I were brought up in care, so I don’t have a father figure. I’ve not had a, you know, sometimes you look back at how your parent dealt with certain situations and I’ve just been winging it really. Made a lot of mistakes probably, but they’re here. They’re growing well. So I must be doing something right along the way [laughs]. It's nice to see the experiences that I’ve provided, the football matches, the football tournaments, the trophies, you know, just, I’ve genuinely tried my best for them, you know. Like I say, maybe I do not get everything right, but who does? You know, and for me personally, no-one ever tried for me. D’you know, and knowing that I have tried for mine, and will, then that’s all that matters.”

Support

“High school supports Alfie quite a lot, cause obviously he’s got his ADHD diagnosis. His EHCP he’s going through, so he gets quite a lot of support with that. But when they were younger, not a lot really. When the boys first came to me full time… I were brought up in care so when these boys presented me with the challenge that they did, the first thing I did was phone social services, because to me they’re my parents. You know, and I phoned them for advice and they’ve never once been to my house, never once questioned me, never once, because they know, you know, through their time working with me and also that the things I’ve done through my life, that my heart’s in the right place, you know. And I try my best and so they’ve not really felt the need to offer that support” (Tony).

Financial inequality for young parents

Tony: “As younger parents we didn’t receive the same support as what was offered for maybe older people, like financially. And the money side of things, you know, it should be equal across boards, but it’s not because of how old you are. Because shopping costs the same. You don’t go into shop and supermarket asks you for ID and then your shopping’s cheaper because you’re 16. You know, it’s exactly the same, you know, and I think money and support should be the same cause it makes people feel excluded otherwise and that’s not fair really. Nappies, milk, wipes, it all costs exactly the same, it’s just…yeah, it’s just, I think some people who make the decisions and are in charge of making policies lose touch of reality”

Holidays

Katie: I went back to work very, very early, so my way of like feeling better about it was going on holiday [laughs]. So Ella’s been abroad every year. It were the one thing that made me feel better about working. We went with my mum to Bruge and we stopped in, we drove down to Dover, stayed in Dover, went round the market in, down there, and then one of days we got on a ferry over to Bruge. I mean, it were absolutely pouring it down wi’ rain, but it was so beautiful. And then in Bulgaria, that’s Ella being her true sassy self. And she were kissing a frog. She bought a frog toy. Ella: I didn’t kiss frogs! Katie: We’ve got picture proof of you kissing a frog!

Being a young mother

Katie: “You feel a lot more pressure being young and you get, you feel like people are looking at you like ah, look at her, she’s young, you know, she’s by herself. You can only do your best. Young mums can do it. I mean, thankfully, like, I had my mum. Like, I relied on my mum a lot. Which it’s gonna be different this time round because I’m not gonna need to lean on her like I did”.

Playing at home

“These 2 were quite happily playing in their bedroom while I was cooking tea, and then the next thing I hear a big [makes crashing noise], and I go up to them and Alfie’s laid on the floor laughing and Aaron is sat there laughing and then it obviously transpired Alfie had been trying to get something out of the bottom of the basket and Aaron had kindly helped his brother reach the bottom of the basket But it’s made them go flying all over [All laugh] I chose that picture because it’s a messy room, innit, and that’s what it is, kids make mess, you know, they play and mess. And now, 13 and 12, and their bedroom’s not far off from being that now, you know. So it’s just an insight into what being a young parent was like. It’s messy, it’s tiring, but they’re here, you know, they’re happy most of the time, you know, they’re doing well at school and in football and, you know, we musta done something right. Must’ve. Done a lot better than what my parents did anyway” (Tony).

Living together

“They’ve known each other a long time, cause they were all quite young and then the dynamic has changed massively, cause with baby being on the scene, me and Katie both said we wanna do it right this time round. Obviously both been single parents, me being a weekend dad, Jess being a full-time mum and struggling with that dynamic, we wanted to make sure we did it properly this time. And obviously there’s times where they get on like an absolute house on fire, and then there’s times where they can’t stand the sight of each other. It’s just what I would say I think a normal family is like. You know, you’re not gonna like everyone every day, you’re not gonna get on every day, you know, it’s about finding ways of dealing with each other and moving forward with that. But there has been times where they’ve all shown that they are happy with what’s going on” (Tony).

Adventures together

Tony: We’ve caught loads of fish. Loads of big fish as well. That’s one of the smallest ones. As you can tell by Alfie’s face, he’s absolutely amazed by this fish. And then this is during Covid when we were planting strawberries. And then that’s when we went rowing. Do you remember when we went to Knaresborough on row boat. Aaron: Tipped over the boat. Tony: And I crashed it into someone else’s boat. Then down the river from the Lido I chose this picture because it’s them leading the way, which is pretty much our family life. They lead, I follow. But that day, we walked down that whole river, didn’t we? Remember? But we didn’t just walk down the river bank, we walked in the river. We were like waist deep in river water, weren’t we? Do you remember? And then we tried to catch fish with us bare hands [all laugh]

Lack of support for young dads

Tony: “You had to be a certain demographic to access certain things, and obviously, like for me personally there was a lot of mums’ groups, a lot of this, like, directed at helping single mums and stuff like that, but there’s nothing for single dads. Because dads aren’t expected to do what I did. You know, they’re not, and like even during pregnancy now, like it’s still very, and it should be, very focused on mum because obviously mum and baby’s main part, but there’s also another part to that, you know, there’s dads and there’s other siblings and stuff.”

Reflection

Tony: “I mean, for me personally what this, like looking through photos today, cause obviously you take pictures, you put them in your little album and then you very rarely do look back at them, but obviously looking through photos, it kind of reiterated to me that I tried my best. I really have. Like, you know, to be a single dad with two boys and provide them with every experience I have It's nice to see the experiences that I’ve provided, the football matches, the football tournaments, the trophies, you know, just, I’ve genuinely tried my best for them, you know. Like I say, maybe I do not get everything right, but who does?”

Emily and her partner Luke planned the pregnancy after being together for 2 years. Emily was 19 and Luke was 22 when Grace was born. The 3 of them live together with their pet turtle. Grace has some serious health conditions that require lots of hospital trips. Luke works long hours, but they get lots of support from their wider family. They like to go on caravan holidays and for fun days out together. Grace is a cheerleader for Leeds Rhinos.

Playing together

Grace: My favourite thing to do with mummy and daddy is go to Ninja Warrior. And the park. Emily: Me, her and her dad went to Ninja Warrior. Her dad gets a bit awkward cause he’s got anxiety… Whereas I’ll go on the slides with her [laughs] and slide down… and run about like a little kid with her [laughs]. Grace: You’re a good mummy! When mummy can drive we’re gonna go to the beach! And my Daddy!

Being a young parent

Emily: “Even if you’re young you can still be a good mum and take them places and kind of let them express themselves no matter what age you are as a parent. We can do it, even if your child has a disability or even if your child has needs. Or even if your child’s just a normal typical child we can still be successful and we can still be good parents. I don’t really have much confidence in myself so I find it hard to like compliment myself. But I’m proud that, just seeing her face when we’re going places, it makes me proud that she’s happy. And I, like even though I don’t feel confident that I’m a good mum, knowing that Grace is happy and seeing her happy knows that I must be doing something right.”

Becoming a young parent

“I was working in a nursery and I ended up having to go on sick. And then my contract was up so then I couldn’t work any more. Because I was so unwell in my pregnancy that I just, I was in bed constantly. It was awful [laughs]. And then I ended up like getting really depressed from it because I were used to, like I went to school and then I was at college. And then when I left college I got a job and worked in the nursery and then I was just like stuck at home. And the after that I just kind of had a baby so it was like… all about me and then I ended up being stuck in with this baby and it was just, it was crazy. I remember just feeling so low because I didn’t, I’d barely seen any a’ my friends either after that. It’s like really life changing at first I think.”

Days out together

“We go to farms and soft play in the holidays because I feel like when they’re at school, so Grace struggles. She struggles with the transition of coming to school and settling in because she struggles with the learning. And so…she’s basically under a paediatrician and stuff. There’s quite a lot of health conditions and like learning delays and development delays. So I feel like when she’s at school she kinda masks all her emotions. So when we go to places like that she kind of lets free a little bit and I just think it’s nice for her to just let go of her emotions sometimes” .

Caravan holidays

Emily: We like going to the caravan. We go Scotland, Wales. But I think we sometimes go to Butlins as well you know with the l'apartments there. Cause they had Mr Tumble there last time didn’t they? Grace: I like Mr Tumble! Emily: So we went to the parks and shopping and they do like entertainment, you know on the camp site. So we were doing stuff like that and swimming, riding bikes. All sorts, stuff like that.

Health conditions

“She needs open heart surgery. And I was heartbroken, I couldn’t stop crying. After that, my depression then went downhill again. Like it’s kind of fluctuated since having Grace but I feel like it’s made me stronger… having Grace there to keep me going sorta thing. I feel like it’s just normal now for her going to hospital because we’ve been so many times [laughs]. But it’s just when, like on certain appointments and they tell you certain things if something’s got worse then it can be a bit overwhelming then. ”